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Bless Your Heart of the Week: Unfortunate Boaters

I’m a romantic. Guilty as charged. I cry watching romantic comedies ("Love, Actually" gets me EVERY TIME no questions asked). I love looking at wedding photos – if I know the people in them it’s just an added bonus. And I love walking around New York taking in the romance to be found around every corner. I know it isn’t Paris, Florence, or any of the breathtaking European cities that are more often associated with love and its residual effects, but you’d be surprised to learn that behind that crazy homeless person screaming that the world is being taken over by alien cats, there is usually an elderly couple helping each other cross the street. Behind the pile of steamy garbage that’s been left on the curb for pickup, there is a couple having a beautiful dinner on the patio of a Madison Ave. restaurant. And then there’s Central Park.

​​When I play Barbie Dream Date in my head (you totally remember that board game, you know you do), almost all the dates I devise take place, at least partially, in Central Park. It is my favorite part of the city (8 months out of the year – the other 4 it tends to resemble Narnia and unless Tilda Swinton is going to pop out in a carriage and offer me Turkish Delights I want no part in it). I love walking through the park, I love reading in the park, I love picnicking in the park, and the thought of doing any of those activities with someone you love is very appealing to me. Then of course there are the boats at Central Park Lake. What could be more romantic than taking your main squeeze out on the water for a boat ride? With the iconic Boathouse restaurant for a backdrop, you and your love will glide by Bethesda Fountain and wave to all the onlookers wishing they were you (not that I’m speaking personally or anything). Unless, of course, you are THIS GUY:

On most of my walks through Central Park, I always try and make a point to walk by Bethesda Terrace and The Lake to watch the boats, and it never fails that each time there is always one couple in a boat, obviously on a date early in their relationship (if not a first date) because of the way they are dressed, who seem to be having a MISERABLE time due to the fact that the poor fella doesn’t know how to row a boat. Today, as you can see in the picture, was no different. For these unfortunate boaters, one of the potentially most romantic things you can do in this city quite suddenly becomes THE WORST OF ALL IDEAS. For these unfortunate boaters, there probably will not be a next date. To these unfortunate boaters (this one in particular because his date looked UPSET), I give a heartfelt:

Bless your heart.

And for those of you wondering what would happen if this were to ever happen to me… Being the strong southern woman I am I’d just grab the oars and row us back to where we needed to be. Then of course I would be the one not getting the next date… something to do with how women showing strength and capability emasculates men. No wonder I’m so aggressively single.

With Grace and Good Humor,

My name is Mary Lane Haskell and my two "claims to fame" are that I have Dolly Parton's fax number and that Reese Witherspoon once liked a post on my Instagram.  I am an actor, a writer, and a profound Chipotle enthusiast making my way in Los Angeles while trying to stay true to my family's southern roots, all with grace and a touch a good humor.  I'm so glad you're here!


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