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White Trash in New York

(( Disclaimer: This post has NOTHING to do with the Real Housewives of New York but this GIF of Aviva telling Ramona she was White Trash was the first thing that came up in my search so I HAD to use it... I mean this takes White Trash in New York to a whole new level ))

According to Urban Dictionary, White Trash can be defined as any of the following:

1) Slang term for white people who... tend to be mouthy and fight frequently. Generally these people are uneducated and have little concern for personal hygiene. To see these people at their best watch Jerry Springer.

Example: What happened on Jerry Springer today? Oh, the usual. Some White trash ho beat down her white trash boo because he was getting freaky wid the white trash neighbor who is married to her father.

2) Anyone who goes by the name Paris Hilton, wants to be Paris Hilton, knows Paris Hilton, or has spent one night in Paris Hilton.

Example: "Paris Hilton proves you don't have to be poor to be white trash".

In my journey as a debutante, the closest I have ever come to "white trash" was at my friend Greg's annual summer White Trash Party in Mississippi. I wore an oversized shirt from The Piggly Wiggly (I was play friends with the owner's children when I was little), leggings, more red lipstick on my teeth than on my lips, and teased my hair to high heaven. A good time was had by all... but we were playing pretend. At the end of the night I got to go home, do a conditioning treatment on my hair, brush the lipstick off my teeth, and curl up in my 650 thread count sheets with a glass of water and some advil, ready to fight the following morning's inevitable hangover like the classy dame I was. Key word was... because about two weeks ago, everything changed.


It was a Friday evening. I had a concert at 54 Below later that night, my third consecutive one of the week, and was leaving early the next morning for L.A. Usually when I'm packing for a trip my apartment is left in shambles, with everything that wouldn't fit in my suitcase thrown into my chairdrobe or my floordrobe. Oh I'm sorry, you don't know what a chairdrobe is?

But this time that wouldn't do. This time my aunt and cousin were coming into town to stay at the apartment while I was gone. This time I had to leave the place livable.

I spent the day packing and cleaning, but then at about 6pm realized I needed to wash the sheets for them. I rushed out to my corner laundromat and paid my sweet Asian man about $20 to get them done for me by 8pm, that way I could swing by and pick them up on my way to the theater for my 8:30pm call time. When I get there at 8pm he has them ready for me in a white trash bag, but I'm just so grateful that I don't think twice about it.

I get to the theater at 8:30, trash bag in tow, and no one says anything. I carry the trash bag down into the theater with me so that I can leave right after I sing to go home and finish packing, and no one says anything. I sing, all is well, I gather my things and am out the door. I get 5 blocks away before realizing I LEFT THE TRASH BAG. I run back to the club, slip into the bar where the cast is sitting to find the bag right where I left it. My friend asks why I came back. I hold up the trash bag.

Friend: "So the trash bag is YOURS... we've all been wondering who it belonged to. Like, who would bring a white trash bag into 54 Below?"

Me: (jokingly putting my finger on my nose) "This classy lady"

Gorgeous Male Performer Sitting at Bar that "Friend" and I Just Sang Backup Vocals For: "I don't know about classy... I'm actually pretty sure this is where the term 'white trash' comes from."

It stung for a minute before I took stock of the situation and realized he was right. I was, indeed, toting about White Trash. I laughed and he apologized, saying that was a mean joke. I forgave him because he's beautiful and it was a pretty fantastic pun. I'm a sucker for a punny man with a pretty face. I thought he might ask me out after this slightly flirtatious exchange, but then I remembered I was still the crazy lady carrying around a white trash bag full of laundry so that probably wasn't going to happen.

So ladies and gentlemen, I 'd like to introduce you to the new face of New York White Trash:

Yup. There she is. Red lip with matching Burberry coat and all. Maybe if the sheets I was carrying around in the white trash bag had been those 650 thread count sheets I mentioned before, I wouldn't have been judged so harshly. Alas they were not... This girl cain't afford luxuries like that no mo'. Also, please note my change in vernacular. White Trash is as White Trash does. And while I plan on fully embracing my new role as ambassador of White Trash New Yorkers city wide, I would be doing you all a major disservice if I didn't bring your attention to what White Trash looks like back home:

Look at this woman. Thank her for living her truth. Appreciate her for living her truth. WORSHIP HER FOR LIVING HER TRUTH. And then remember her the next time you throw shade at a sister for toting her laundry around in a trash bag. I mean things could be a LOT worse. After all, WE'RE ALL JUST DOING THE BEST WE CAN... her unfortunate crop top and my unfortunate trash bag included.

With Grace and Good Humor,

My name is Mary Lane Haskell and my two "claims to fame" are that I have Dolly Parton's fax number and that Reese Witherspoon once liked a post on my Instagram.  I am an actor, a writer, and a profound Chipotle enthusiast making my way in Los Angeles while trying to stay true to my family's southern roots, all with grace and a touch a good humor.  I'm so glad you're here!


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