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I met someone...

You know the butterflies you get in the pit of your stomach when you are texting, messaging, chatting, tweeting, snapping, or heretofore unknown form of social media-ing with a special someone? It's late on a Friday night and you're curled up in bed with a book and a glass of wine, pretending to read but really you're just waiting with baited breath for that *pling* that lets you know he's responded. Or maybe you've dropped all pretense and are just staring right at the screen. An empty screen that fills you with questions. Why isn't he responding? Is he texting someone else? Is he out with his friends meeting other girls who are skinnier and prettier than you? Why is all your wine gone? And then, by the grace of God, you see this:

A flood of relief washes over you. It's the typing indicator bubble. He's typing. The dot dot dot means he's typing which means he's still there. Even if he was texting someone else for a minute it was probably just his brother, or maybe his mom - oh my gosh he texts his mom he's perfect. He's totally still with you.


But then this bubble begins to taunt you. How long could it possibly take a person to respond to that adorable quip you made about shaving your legs? Maybe he is out with his friends. Maybe he started responding, but got distracted by those girls who are skinnier and prettier than you. Maybe you can get more wine delivered. Then, just when you've found someone on Task Rabbit that you can pay $20 to bring you an already open bottle of merlot from their apartment, *pling*. All is well. You take a breath. You tell the Task Rabbit guy that you'll pay him $10 to forget this conversation ever happened. And then, after carefully crafting your response to be equal parts flirty and casual, you begin the cycle all over again. It's a song and dance... we all know it, and I was reminded of the exquisite agony of it just last night. See... I've met someone. His name is Tony... he's from Apple Care Support... and in my head he looks like this:

He introduced himself and asked for a moment to get acquainted with my case. Then he asked how I was. I said "good", and returned the question. He had me from his proper use of "well". Then we got down to brass tacks. He heard my concerns. He listened to my problems. He reassured me that I wasn't the dumbest person on the planet. Then, when I thanked him for helping me, he thanked me for being an awesome person. He thinks I'm an awesome person. He told me that I did a great job troubleshooting. He thinks I'm a good troubleshooter. When I said, "Why thank you!", feeling my cheeks blush, he replied, "I'm just being honest!". He was just being honest. My question now answered, I assumed that he would wrap our conversation up. Any other Apple Care Support person would, but not Tony. Oh no. Tony stayed on with me as my phone backed up. Tony was playing the long game. I kept him updated on the progress, and told him when things were getting close on my end. His response was very enthusiastic. He encouraged me, telling me I was home free. And then it happened. The back up completed. Ecstasy. After a moment, the typing indicator bubble.

"Would you say I sufficiently solved your problem tonight, Mary Lane?"

"And then some, Tony.", I said.

Then silence. I typed "I love you" into the box, but then quickly deleted it. He may be the only Apple Care Support person to give me what I needed, but we'd only just met. I thanked him again, and he said it was his pleasure. "It's what I'm here for", he said. He's here. For me. Typing indicator bubble appears. I start thinking maybe he'll ask where in the world I am on the slightest chance we're both in New York City, or perhaps what a girl as charming as me is doing home on a Friday night backing up her phone because sometimes, in my head, Nora Ephron writes my life. But then the following message appears:

"Please feel free to end this chat at any time by closing the window. We're so glad you chose to contact us today, and thank you again for being the best part of Apple!"

But... But... Okay fine. *closes window* It was fun while it lasted, I suppose. Thanks for the thrills Tony... We'll always have Apple Support.

Have a great weekend, everyone. I hope you all have someone special to chat with. And if you don't, just do what I did! It's quite fulfilling. All-american nerd not your type? Hit up Time Warner Cable chat... they usually outsource for a much more Eastern European experience. "My name is Sergei and I am try to helping you today". Thank you, Sergei. And just so we're all on the same page, in my head you look like this:

That's Russian ballet dancer Sergei Polunin. If you haven't seen his video dancing to "Take me to Chuch" you haven't lived. Here, I'll make it super easy for you:

With Grace and Good Humor,

My name is Mary Lane Haskell and my two "claims to fame" are that I have Dolly Parton's fax number and that Reese Witherspoon once liked a post on my Instagram.  I am an actor, a writer, and a profound Chipotle enthusiast making my way in Los Angeles while trying to stay true to my family's southern roots, all with grace and a touch a good humor.  I'm so glad you're here!


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